Looking Back
by futuremrsbates99
Summary: Anna and Bates looking back through a series of their most significant moments, POV alternates between the two of them. This is my first fanfic of any sort and I don't think it is very good, just fluff really! Nothing smuttish, just a kiss or two...
1. The Red Lion

I had been lost in thought, I could tell from his expression he was awaiting an answer, but I had not heard what he had said, I tried my hardest to focus and snap out of the daydream I was in, he had hurt me I needed him to know that. All I could think of to say was one word, if he could honestly answer this then I would forgive him, without a second glance.

"Why?"He sighed, knowing that any pre-meditation of his reply would be scrapped, I could tell from the way he moved uncomfortably he had no lie prepared, he would tell me nothing but the truth.

"I...I wanted to protect you, Vera was threatening to sell things to the papers, about the family, and about you. I knew how much it would hurt you for me to leave, but it pained you less than if I'd stayed I can assure you that much" I could do nothing but snigger indignantly at such a thing, nothing could have hurt me more than that, he was the only thing that mattered.

"But that night, in the yard, I told you, I told you it meant nothing to me, and even so why couldn't you tell me the truth, tell me that you were planning to come back, just as soon as you could, I would have had hope at least!" I felt so embarrased, never in my life had I ever spoken so abruptly, yet he did nothing but smile at me, that sweet little smile that I only I had rights to and it sent me weak at the knees, all of a sudden I was terribly grateful to be sat down or I would have melted on the spot.

"My love, that is exactly why I did not tell you, I didn't want to leave you awaiting my return, at that time I could not promise you any more than a chance, I thought I was doing what was best, giving you another chance at a real life, the life you deserve but I soon found that I was too selfish to let you go completely, so I did some digging, hired a private investigator and everything while I was staying with Vera and I got proof of her unfaithfulness to me, I got proof of it, I found a way to be free of her, for good." I felt my mouth hit the floor, was he saying what he thought he was saying? Could it really be true?

"But you've been gone nearly a year, you never thought to write telling me of your plans? How could you be so sure I wouldn't have moved on, like you told me to? Like you said I should the day you broke my heart." At this moment in time, I couldn't believe how enpowered I felt, because I knew that I would never be judged for speaking my mind by him, by my John.

"If only I could truly express how sorry I am, I never wanted to hurt you and I was never sure, I was terrified that you would be settled down with Molesley, child on the way and that I had been too late but I lived in hope, knowing that if you loved me half as much as I loved you, you wouldn't give up on me so fast. If I can, if you'll let me, I want to spend the rest of my days trying to show you how much you mean to me, how grateful I am for your faith in me, I want to try and make you the happiest woman ever to walk the earth because I know that you can make me the happiest man. I love you, Anna Smith, I love more than you will ever know." As he made this declaration of love to me, I could feel the urge rising from my stomach, niggling at my heart, sending a tingle through my lips and right there, right then I gave in to the temptation.I leapt across the table, hands on his cheeks and before I knew it, my lips were on his once again, it had been too long since I had felt the stubble on his chin, the warmth of his hands around my waist. And in that moment I knew I could forgive for anything, yet I was the one to pull away.

"I love you too Mr Bates, and you already make me the happiest woman alive, all I need is you in my life to obtain that feeling, all I know is that you are the one for me, and like I said before, I would live in sin with you. Just promise me that you'll never leave again, not ever, no matter the circumstances?" I could feel the colour rising in my cheeks after I realized he was still recovering from my quick and unexpected actions. He gazed deep in to my eyes and for some unknown reason I let out a little giggle, with a furrowed brow he smirked and said that was a promise he could keep. He would never know how much that little smirk meant to me, yet I continue to wish that something that silly about me can give him butterflies.


	2. Bundle Of Joy

Seeing that intense look in her eye, gave me shivers hoping that she was thinking of only the most pleasant thoughts, I rubbed her stomach to awaken her lightly from the daydream in which she was concealed, she jumped briskly at my touch and I kissed the top of her head, through the golden locks that hang freely only for me. It had been 4 years since our wedding and exactly 5 years since the day when she rescued me from myself, she looked at me with an impish grin and turned to face me once more.

"What were you thinking about?" She asked in the most adorable way which meant that I could tell her nothing but the plain truth,

"I was remembering that day, 5 years ago when you saved me from a destiny I myself could not see!" All I can do is see the words processing through her brain, not able to yet process a reaction, until she looked in to my eyes with that solemn love I couldn't deny and said three words:

"You saved me!" I turned her head so I could see her properly and before I knew it myself she was in pursuit of my lips, only she could do this to me, and she was completely clueless to her abilities, the tingles that she could send up my spine and the warmth she sends to my heart every time that we touch. 'Oh Lord' I thought 'I love you Anna Bates, so much' And it was as if she could read my mind because she gazed back at me with that glare that could mean nothing other than that she felt the same, I adored her for it and there was nothing in the world I longed for more than her - her affections.

"John," even the way she said my name with such ardour made me feel so cherished. But then I saw the lump in her throat and all thoughts of happiness were shrouded with worry, I may have replied a little faster than I intended because she flinched at my sudden reaction.

"My love? What is it? What could possibly be the matter when you seemed so happy just a moment ago, is something the matter? Tell me my dear and I will help with whatever it is!" She made a short snigger-like sound and I could feel my eyebrows join in mild confusion at the look on her face, had I misinterpreted the glassy look of her eye? She raised her hand to my cheek and caressed it lightly before taking a firm hold on my jaw and looking in to my soul with those genuine blue eyes of hers -

"It is nothing terrible, truly I am happy but there is something I have been keeping from you, I was waiting for the right time to tell you but now I realize I cannot keep it to myself any longer. Do you remember the night at Downton when you proposed to me, the first time around before you left with Vera?"

"How can I forget, it was positively one of the best days of my life! But why did you bring it up, please Anna, you have me worried about what ever it is you are taking so long to tell me." Did she always have to keep me in the lurch like this, awaiting a proper answer? Cut to it, my girl, I beg you!

"You know how the following night, we spoke of our plans for the future. Well, though I realize that we are so terribly happy here and that maybe you had no intentions of carrying out that sort of a life with me any longer, but what if some of that plan, had come about of it's own accord. What would you feel about that, John, honestly?" Could she really be saying what I thought she was saying? Was she saying that the one thing, I had always want to give her, I could finally provide her with? The realization must have been in my face, and I obviously hadn't looked dissapointed "I'm glad to see that your shocked expression doesn't seem a displeased one, that is a bonus I must say!" In my dreams, this moment had happened over and over yet I still couldn't accept that it was really happening, my wife was with child!

"Oh my lord, I don't think I have ever felt this happy in my life! Honestly I didn't think anything could make me as happy as you have but this just tops it all! All the bad we have been through together has led to this moment, this is our reward - each other aside and I could not be happier!" I took her up in my arms and didn't manage to let go for many minutes, all I could do was sob uncontrollably, so elated in my own little piece of perfection.


	3. Dreaming

"John..John what's wrong? Wake up my love, it's me, Anna." What could he possibly have been dreaming about that had gotten his this worked up, he still had dreams about the war but if I hugged him for long enough he could settle down to sleep again, and those nights barely made an appearance any more, not since Bonnie had been born at least. He turned to me and held me tightly, a sweat on his brow and tears in his eyes, I held him close to me until he quietened down a bit, then I held him at arms length. "John, it was just a dream. Now do you want to talk about it?"

"Oh Anna, it was nothing bad, on the contrary it was absolutely perfect but then I came to realize it was a dream. I only wish it could have been real, I hate to think I'll never be able to give you what you deserve, to give you everything in the world!"

"Hey! I thought we agreed that you had provided me with everything I wanted, and more, when you gave me Bonnie! There is nothing-" He came in abruptly with the look of a deer in headlights, yet it looked like relief, he made the most ecstatic and high-pitched sound ever to pass his lips and he had me in his arms again, breathing hard against my back, I could feel myself melting in to his arms and I knew that if he let go now I would collapse to the bed in a heap. "What's with you today John? You've been all over the shop since breakfast!"

"Oh my lord! It wasn't a dream, well it was but I mean not the made-up kind, it was a memory! I thought that Bonnie had been a dream, that I had never given you a child and that I was going to leave you a childless widow!" I couldn't suppress the giggle that leapt out of me, though in a reassuring way I hoped. I shushed him and stayed in his arms for what seemed an eternity, yet felt like a moment when we parted. "That was the most terrifying feeling I have ever endured! I thought I'd been even more of a disappointment to you!" I hated it when he spoke so poorly of himself, he really didn't know how perfect he was and yet his self-deprecating ways made him all the more loveable.

"You will never ever be a disappointment to me, not in any way, shape or form. Now hush before you wake Bonn, you know how long it takes to settle a toddler! Please Mr. Bates, just keep me in your arms for a while longer, you know how much you mean to me so please just help me to show you a little of my care." As he held out his arms to me and said the four words that could make my heart melt, I leant in to the warmth of being so close to him.

"Come here, Mrs. Bates"

He still thought I needed telling.

I stayed in his arms, lips resting at his hand, the thought of sleep only a distant memory and I knew that if asked, I would stay here, in this moment for the rest of eternity. Every moment of our life together flashed before my eyes, like it does everytime we share a peaceful moment like this together, and each time there is a new image to linger in my mind at the end of the mental slide-show. Could I ever tire of moments like these, would I ever want anything else? Without a doubt in my mind I shook my head, as he stirred in his sleep, in that sweet sort of way that only he can. This man, the man who I gave willingly the key to my heart, is utter walking perfection, even his flaws are perfect, and the fact that I have this, makes me feel sorry for every other woman who walks the earth, no man could be as perfect as mine.


	4. Wedding

"Dad, what are you thinking about? You seem deep in thought considering you haven't touched a drop of the punch!" Awoken from my daze, a daze of times when the young woman who stood before me could be put in one place and trusted to stay there and not get in to any trouble, my Bon- Bon, all grown up, now with a husband and a job! Where did all that time go? "Are you the nostalgic type who can't get through a wedding without a tear shed? Is that what this is? Should I go and find Mum?" How precious my little angel was, always worrying about her old Dad, she was just so perfect.

"I was just thinking of the first time I ever worried about you, the first time of many I must say but even though it was one of the worst moments of my life, the following moment was the best. I don't think I told you this story already so if you've got a minute I'll tell you, I don't get to tell you many stories any more!"

"Of course, how can I not spare a few minutes for you of all people, after all the minutes you have spared for me, I think I owe you at least a few in return. But you best not get me upset, I don't want to look all red and blotchy in the pictures now do I? And after all the effort Mary went to to make me look nice, she'd get very angry at you!" It still felt very strange in my mind, to be on christian name terms with a woman that I was once employed by.

"Don't worry my dear, it isn't very long and I can condense it for you so that you aren't missed. This is going to sound strange but it was the first time I ever forgot you, I realize how terrible that sounds but what I mean to say is..." How was I ever going to explain this to her? "Well, you know about my time in prison, before you were born. Well during that time, I really hit a low and when I was finally released I was in complete denial, I thought it was a dream and I was going to wake up in my cell again, your mother back at Downton, awaiting my safe return. From then on, everytime that something good happened in my life, I persuaded myself that I was dreaming, this happened once, when you were about 20 weeks old and I woke up in a right state, middle of the night your Mum trying to calm me down thinking I'd had a bad dream or something. I had a dream about being told that your Mum was pregnant with you and I woke up terrified that I had made it up and that I would never be able to have a child of my own. So everytime something really special happens, something so good I can't believe it's happening to me, I remember all the real times that good things have happened to me, if I didn't know better I'd say I was dreaming right now! Never did I think that my daughter, as beautiful as you are, would be marrying the man second in line to the fortune of Lord Robert Crawley!"

"Well here I am, Mary for a mother-in-law, never did I think that I could marry in to a family for which my parents served! And I am truly happy, I cannot recall anytime in my life when I was happier and soon I will be living in one of the grandest houses in Yorkshire, second to the cottage alone. I hope for nothing more than the life I am living, there is nothing more, my life is too perfect!" And there she was in a wedding dress of her own, the most expensive money can buy, Papa's little girl, and I couldn't be more proud in my life. Sitting there, 26 years old, with all the beauty and grace of My Anna, she is an image for a fairytale, she is a princess now, as she was destined to be...

Bonnie pounced in to my arms, head tucked under my neck, and I could hear her sobbing though I knew there was no need to enquire I knew, just from a fatherly instinct, that they were tears of joy. Even though I had my eyes closed, and she had made no audible approach I could feel the presence of my wife behind me, even before she placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me. I held out an arm to invite her in to the embrace, and she moved without prompting, here I was, stood with my two favourite girls and wondering what else any man could ever need in his life. I felt Anna snuggle tightly in to my chest and wrestle silently for my affections, we all looked up at the same time out of pure instinct and smiled. Was there anything more than this moment?


	5. Anniversary

Together we sat, reflecting on our lives, knowing precisely what the other was thinking and reminiscing silently yet aloud. All we did for hours was rest, knowing we had left our mark on the world; 3 successful children, a marriage that sounded novelistic, a love shared for a lifetime, and a grand anarchy at their home, happy and alive. How could anyone ever regret a life like ours? Yes, we may have had a few slip ups over the years, but together we always pull through and it only binds us closer. Eventually we will pass, but for generations, the staff of Downton will hear the story of the maid who fell in love with the valet, it's as proposterous as the lion and the lamb, yet just as sentimental and perfect.

Soon, he would be gone, I couldn't bear the thought of a life without yet I knew that when the time came, I would be prepared. Every has a time when it needs to come to an end, even if it must be death to put an end to such a thing, and now I knew the both of us were ready for what was to come. We could spend the rest of our time together doing nothing but expressing our love, there was no need for work or ever again being apart. It was time for us to live out the end of our lives together, and that exactly what I intended to do.

"I love you, you know that don't you?" He said with much sincerity, his declaration out of the blue. "I mean it, even when I'm gone and you are here, all alone, remember how much I love you, how much I always will."

"I know. And when you are, wherever you end up know that every day, I spend awaiting the day when I will join you again. Together for more than 50 years now, no wonder we're getting old. Only a man as great as you could live to such a grand old age." Meaning every word, I came to where he sat to perch lightly on his knee, it had gotten worse with age but I was such a frail old woman now that he could handle it even without my careful placement. He took me in his arms and held me close before whispering softly in my ear again his declaration of love, all I had ever wanted was mine, a life I had only ever dared to dream of was the one I had lived. A husband who loved me, the one I was destined to be with, who gave me 3 beautiful children and 4 grand-children, and a lovely cottage in which we had shared our lives.

"What are you thinking of my love?" He asked, stealing me away from my thoughts."You have that look on your face that means you're either trouble or ecstatic, the latter being the better option."

"Well, my dear John, you will be pleased to know, I was thinking on the luck I have had, what have I done to have lived such a perfect and marvelous life, with a man like you, family like ours and a home like this. As well as all the friends we have gained, whoever knew I was to be best friends with a fine lady." Every word I spoke just came out like I was purging my deepest emotions in his mind.

"I don't know specifically what you did, there is a long list of possibilities that could have led you to such a fate, though I have been fortunate enough to be struck by dumb luck. Who knows why I would ever end up in such a brilliant situation, as this! All I know is that I am an undeserving man and I have spent my whole life since that day in Ripon, all those years ago, trying to prove myself to be worthy of your love, yet I still feel unsatisfied with how I have achieved it." He always spoke in such a way about himself, like nothing about him was good enough, or had the right to be loved, I had spent my whole life doing the same as him, trying to prove to him that he was worthy.

"You flatter me so, John, I only hope you know that how happy you have made me, how hard you have worked to do that for me when the only thing I asked from you was to voice your feelings." I leant in toward him hoping to begin a night of events, my lips collided with his and the flame of our love started a bushfire, we were alight once again, burning in our desire and as he responded I knew this ship would sail tonight. "And you definitely kept up your side of the bargain." I tried to sound seductive and was unsure of the outcome, until he pulled me closer, possessively and I knew it had had the desired effect.


	6. Fall Asleep

As we lay bare beside each other, in the bed where everything had happened, our reunion after my spell in prison, producing three wonderful children, their births and every night we had shared together over the years. I had seen time take its toll on the both of us, yet I still found the woman I looked at to be the most beautiful being on earth, I think she could have looked like Old Violet's corpse and I would see only her, my Anna, our love unconditional and unchanging.

We lay there for what seemed to be hours, yet felt like only minutes, then she turned and looked deep in to my eyes with that face of hers and all I could do was bare my soul to her, I had never lied to Anna, ever, except for the one time, the worst night of my life and I would never forgive myself for my dishonesty. I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn't come out, I didn't really know what to say to her. Luckily she did me the honour of breaking the silence for me.

"I wish we could stay here for the rest of eternity, I would spend eternity anywhere as long as I had you by my side. Never losing contact for the rest of time, never having to say goodbye when we need milk, just forever in one another's company." She smiled with a cheeky grin that could never be compared to the smile of anyone else, a Greek goddess couldn't come close to the beauty of the woman I had fallen in love with.

"Well then we should my love, I shall go and get the contents of the cupboards, the hose from the garden and a bedpan so that we must never again leave this room! If that is your wish, it is my command!" Giggling, looking like the naïve housemaid I had met all those years ago I knew it was only a matter of time before the tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my vision and making her frown.

"If only, now don't you start or I'll soon follow and the truth is that I don't want to cry tonight, not a single tear, not when we're both so happy. There is plenty of time for blubbering in times of upset, in times of pure joy we must not let our vision be clouded, I must see your face clearly, so that when I am remembering this in the future I will be able to remember every little detail of your appearance right now."

"Fall asleep in my arms, and dream of the best man you can think of, and that man will be dreaming of you." Before turning back, she came to kiss me lovingly and I kissed her back, when our lips parted she held me as close as humanly possible as she fell asleep in my arms.


	7. Eternity

It was as if it were destiny, for them both to pass in the same night so one would never have to live without the other, but now here I was without either of them and I know it's selfish to say so but I wish I still had at least one of them around, even will all the suffering of them considered. Then again, I have a husband of my own to help me through my loss, so I don't think I can honestly wish anyone to be alive without their beloved, I know it would kill me.

Standing here, in a cemetery, watching my parents lowered in to the ground in lead cases, only now can I truly appreciate them as much as they deserve. I am a middle-aged woman, child on the way, and unequivocally happy even in the circumstances. Now they could be there, together for eternity with nothing to keep them apart and their souls linger within each other so they can never be separated. As I hear footsteps behind me I turn to see Sybbie, my cousin for all intents and purposes. I smiled to her, and she came over without speaking, she can tell I don't want to speak and I appreciate that, I don't think I can muster a civil word, not to anyone and I wouldn't want to act impolitely, especially to someone so dear to my heart, we were born within a few years of each other and had grown up together, she was the closest thing I ever got to a sister, being the only girl with 2 younger brothers.

"Thank-you, for coming back for me, I don't know how long I would've stayed if you hadn't arrived."

"Please, don't think I am here to collect you back to the house, stay as long as you need I just wanted to see how you were faring. Sad as I am, I can't imagine what you're going through, I don't what I'll do when Dad goes..." The innocence in her voice has always been refreshing, even at the worst of times.

"I think I am ready to get back to the house, and I'm doing okay, it isn't so bad now that it's all over. I'm just glad they went at the same time really, Mum would never have coped without him, and he wouldn't have done any better really underneath the act he would put on. He would just as hurt, but worse, he wouldn't have shown it." She nodded understandingly and offered me her arm so we could walk back to the car together, and I gratefully took it, unsure of my ability to walk straight without assistance.

Now they were together for eternity, never having t spend a moment apart, just the way they would have wanted. My parents thought they had the perfect life, and I admired them for it, I'm determined to have a life just as perfect as theirs was. My parents had a love so strong it deserves to be written about in a romance novel.


End file.
